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第二百次拥抱

哈罗德·H·布鲁姆费尔德·M·D    作   飞鸢  译

爱能治愈一切伤痛——不管是施予者的还是被施予者的。
                    ——卡尔·曼宁格尔博士

    我的父亲因患黄疸病正躺在医院的重病特别护理病房内，床边的钩子上挂着监听器和静脉输液管。他本是个身体极其强壮的男人，但患病以来，他的体重迅速减轻了30多磅。

    我父亲的病已经被诊断为胰腺癌，这是最严重的恶性肿瘤病之一。医生们都尽了最大努力。他们告诉我们父亲只有三到六个月的寿命了。放射疗法和化学疗法对胰腺癌都不起作用，因此他的病被治愈的希望极其渺茫。

    几天后，我的父亲正在病床上坐着，我走近他说，“爸爸，我对你患病的感触很深。以往，我与你之间一直有很大的距离，这使我很后悔，现在我才知道我有多么的爱你。”我倾斜着身子靠向他，想拥抱他，但是他的肩膀和胳膊上的肌肉都绷得紧紧的。

    “来吧，爸爸。我真的想拥抱你。”

    有一会儿的工夫，他看起来显得很震惊。表达友爱亲密的感情不符合我们惯常的作法。我请他再坐起来一点，以便我能用我的胳膊拥抱他。我再一次尝试拥抱他。但是这一次，他的肌肉比刚才绷得更紧。我能感觉到心底里的旧恨又重新开始膨胀起来。我甚至想，“我不需要你的拥抱。如果你想死，想象从前一样冷冰冰地离开我，那随你的便吧。”

    多年以来，我总是用他的固执和冷漠来指责他，怨恨他，并且对自己说，“瞧，他一点也不在乎。”但是这一次，经过反复考虑，我觉得拥抱对我对他都有帮助。我希望他知道我有多么关心他，不管他关心不关心我。我父亲的身上一直保留一种日耳曼式的精神和职责导向；他小的时候，他的父母一定教导过他为了使自己成为一个真正的男人应该怎样封闭自己的感情。

    我把长期以来对他持有的那种因我们之间的疏远而遣责他的欲望抛到一边，我确实希望能够鼓足勇气给他更多的爱。因此我说，“来吧，爸爸，用你的胳膊拥抱我。”

    我坐在他的床边向他靠近一点，他的胳膊环绕着我。“现在搂紧一点。对，就这样。再紧一点。很好！”

    在某种意义上，我正在教我的父亲该怎样去拥抱别人，当他搂紧我的时候，奇迹发生了。在那一刻，那种“我爱你”的感觉漾遍全身。多年来，我们之间总是以一个冷冰冰的常规性的握手来问候一声，“你好吗？”现在，我和他都在等待那一瞬间的亲密之感再次降临。虽然，我们的拥抱显得很笨拙很陌生，他胸部的肌肉绷得也很紧，但是就在那一刻，他开始领略到爱的感觉有多美好。他用了几个月的时间才褪去他身上那种强硬僵直的态度。他终于能够把内心的感情通过对我的拥抱表达出来。

    在我的父亲主动给我第一个拥抱之前，我给了他很多的拥抱。我没有指责他，而是支持他；毕竟，他正在努力改变的是他一生的习惯——那需要时间。我知道我们一定会成功，因为我们之间有了更多的爱和关心。大约是在第二百次拥抱的时候，他自然而然地大声说出一句话，同时也是我有记忆以来第一次听到他说“我爱你。”

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原文出自美国的《第二百次拥抱》一书，译者自荐
通联：安徽省蚌埠市雪华路小新庄128号             李荷卿
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附原文：
The Two-hundredth Hug
Harold H·Bloomfield·M·D
Love cures people-both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it .
Dr.Karl Menninger
My father's skin was jaundiced as he lay hooked up to monitors and intravenous tubes in the intensive care unit of the hospital . Normally a well-built man , he had lost more than 30 pounds .
My father's illness had been diagnosed as cancer of the pancreas , one of the most malignant forms of the disease. The doctors were doing what they could but told us that he had only three to six months to live . Cancer of the pancreas does not lend itself to radiation therapy or chemotherapy , so they could offer little hope.
A few days later , when my father was sitting up in bed , I approached him and said , " Dad , I feel deeply for what's happened to you . It's helped me to look at the ways I've kept my distance and to feel how much I really love you . " I leaned over to give him a hug , but his shoulders and arms became tense.
"C'mon , Dad , I really want to give you a hug ."
For a moment he looked shocked . Showing affection was not our usual way of relation . I asked him to sit up some more so I could get my arms around him . Then I tried again . This time , however , he was even more tense. I could feel the old resentment starting to build up , and I began to think , " I don't need this . If you want to die and leave me with the same coldness as always , go right ahead."
For years I had used every instance of my father's resistance and rigidness to blame him , to resent him and to say to myself , " See ,he doesn't care ." This time , however , I thought again and realized the hug was for my benefit as well as my father's . I wanted to express how much I cared for him no matter how hard it was for him to let me in . My father had always been very germanic and duty-oriented ; in his childhood , his parents must have taught him how to shut off his feelings in order to be a man .
Letting go of my long-held desire to blame him for our distance , I was actually looking forward to the challenge of giving him more love . I said ," C'mon , Dad , put your arms around me ."
I leaned up close to him at the dege of the bed with his arms around me . " Now squeeze . That's it . Now again, squeeze . Very good !"
In a sense I was showing my father how to hug , and as he squeezed , something happened .  For an instant , a feeling of " I love you " bubbled through . For years our greeting had been a cold and formal handshake that said , " Hello , how are you ?"Now , both he and I waited for that momentary closeness to happen again . Yet , just at the moment when he would begin to enjoy the feelings of love , something would tighten in his upper torso and our hug would become awkward and strange . It took months before his rigidness gave way and he was able to let the emotions inside him pass through his arms to encircle me .
It was up to me to be the source of many hugs before my father initiated a hug on his own . I was not blaming him , but supporting him ; after all , he was changing the habits of an entire lifetime --and that takes time . I knew we were succeeding because more and more we were relating out of care and affection . around the two-hundredth hug , he spontanously said out loud , for the first time I could ever recall , " I love you ."